Falling Further

A few weeks ago I blogged about how I had some how lost my fitness stuff. How I’d let life get in the way, found myself sliding backwards.  How for the first time ever I had dropped out of events.  I promised to do better.  To get my mojo back.  To start over.

Instead, I did something else entirely. I started smoking again.  A habit I had ditched a few years ago.  It took about two days to get hooked all over again.  To get back to a packet a day.  I quit working with my Personal Trainer as I don’t have the energy to keep up with him.  All the old habits are back.  My eating is totally and utterly out of control.  Whatever I had harnessed four years ago to get me to tackle my obesity, whatever had given me the ability to walk into a gym when I was the biggest girl there had gone.

I still set the alarm. I still packed the gym bag the night before.  I still ordered all the healthy food.

Only the food rotted in the fridge. And when the alarm rang I applied the fuck it methodology and went back to sleep.

Here’s the thing about a blog. It keeps you honest. And I need to be, to myself as much as anything else.  After all, I wrote a book about my success.  So I need to write about my failures too.  Or I am no better than one of those celebrity types who endorse a diet at Christmas that I am so keen to criticise.

Today, I am figuring it out. What the fitness stuff used to mean and why I did it.  What it means for me now and tomorrow.  How I find my way all over again.  Today, I don’t have any answers.  I am just asking myself the questions.  I started this blog and wrote my book just to see if I could help someone else along the way.  So if I figure it out, I’ll share it here too.  And to everyone else fighting a hard battle….. you are not on your own.

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Regression.

I’ve been off my fitness regime. Big style.

Home stuff, work stuff, not enough sleep and too much crap food stuff. Oh yeah, and all of the wine. It has of late been all too easy to cancel a session, skip a class, do the easy, gentle exercise and not the challenging one. Just 5K instead of 10.

I’ve been out of my normal routine for about three weeks. That doesn’t seem all that long perhaps.  But it is long enough to de-train.  The process beings in as little as three weeks.  And I can see it physically and feel it mentally.

I’m trying to find my mojo again. On Saturday I ran.  Badly.  After just 20 minutes in the park, heavy legs and tired lungs.  An excuse to go home easily found.

This morning, the gym. The stuff that used to be my warm up, hard going.  The weights that I used to be able to lift, out of my reach.  Tired only half way through.

My trainer could see me struggling. Silently, gently, he regressed me.  Took me back a few steps in the process.  Made it easier.

And as he handed me the light weights, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t criticise or make a big deal of it.  But I’m a PT too. And I know the drill.  Regress the exercise.  Drop the weight or the intensity or both.  Don’t push the client and damage their confidence. Build them back up again.

Today, I pulled out of my next event. I’m just not in that place right now.

So today, I’m starting over.

I know what to do.  Good, clean, fresh food.  Lots of water. Protein and more protein. Less wine…..much less.

Get out of bed. Get moving. Get focused. Just do it.

I’ll get back on form again soon. Just you watch.